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[19 Oct 2006|02:10am] |
Talk about major insomnia, two days in a row here, I have to work in three hours. But yee~, my Starbucks is offically in that amount of time! And I can offically say I have been working there since the hour of opening. What a nice feeling? God I'm so pressed.
Things to do:
-Finish journals, noting the scripts, and Urinetown review by 11 am.
-Take a show sometime in these next three hours.
- Work 5 am to 9 am.
- Get a notebook to copy journals in.
- rush to MC and attend the workshop that is in play of Acting.
- Finish Astronomy assignment due Friday.
- Find a camcorder and video tape my audition, send it out so it can get to Philly by Saturday. (Next day delivery!)
AND THEN I GET TO SLEEP... maybe.
...Ay....at least I get free coffee soon.
Longest I've been without a best friend nor a boyfriend in a long time.
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| Jibun no Kakumei |
[15 Oct 2006|12:28am] |
My last host family in Japan was the hardest for me. I actually chose to change to them, because I thought they were my friends. It turned out to be hell. They knew I was shoplifting, they heard from the first host family, the Asais. That's why Asai-mama hated me, because she knew. When I finally got caught, in Osaka, that's when I lived in a living nightmare. I came home that night thinking I was just going to go home, that I ruined my whole experience there. But...I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to get home. Even if my best friend wouldn't be there, I couldn't wait to come home and see Mickey, Clone, and the hallway crew. I couldn't wait to see Jesshi and Shanpyuu, and Mom, and Stoney and Pregnant Paula, and Mira, and Grace, and especially Matt. And maybe by a miracle, even Pip, maybe she'd come up for Christmas eve or something. Everyone that was so important to me.
I wasn't going to get off that easily.
Instead the family decided to keep me, they weren't going to tell AFS. But as long as I never did it again, as I changed, and told the school what I had done. I had to call my mom, and have her apologize to the family. I had to write a list of everything that was bad about me, and read it to the father. After telling the school and disappointing everyone, I was suspended until Christmas break.
The first morning of that suspention, in the hall with all the shoes, was the first time Suzuki-kun said good morning to me. After smiling and acting as normal as possible, I cried all the way to the library.
I felt like shit. I was lying to everyone. I was not the little angel they all thought they knew. I was evil. Bad. I used everyone for my own pleasure. I was the spoiled little princess. Dirty. Stole for the thrill of it. Even my thinness was gained through cheating and a lie.
I'm no better than my dad. Ha. In fact I'm even worse.
I was told every night by my host father how bad of a girl I was. That I was never to be a good girl, no matter how hard I tried. The whole family hated me. Even Mai and Takuya. I looked up to them, but they hated me just as much. I didn't feel like dealing with that anymore. I looked forward to go to school, and I woke up early and left before anyone else did. I didn't bother making a lunch anymore. I then stayed at school as long as I could, and took long detours on the way home. When I got home, I just slept and didn't wake up for dinner, and stayed in my room until morning, or when everyone was asleep.
I didn't even think I was going to go home. I was convinced my plane would crash on the way back. Even still, I counted my days.
Don't get me wrong, I tried to make things better. I tried to be a good girl...I tried to make friends with my family again, and make them proud of me. But they already didn't trust me anymore. They hated me. And thought everything I did was a lie.
After coming back, I became a worse girl than I ever was. I tried to get my mum to hate me, of course that was impossible. After some very hard blows, I changed. I have tried to be a good girl. I have tried to respect people more. I pretend to be tough and mean, but I really am not. But that too, is a lie to myself.
I'm no less than a bitch now than I ever was.
I'm going to go practise OBEs again. I have no fear, so I am going to have one tonight. I have questions that need to be answered.
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| Homework |
[17 Sep 2006|09:29pm] |
Ok, so unfortunately the caramel machiatto I just drank (four decaf shots and three regular shots), failed to wake my, so I'm staring at a blank sheet of paper to figure out what to write for my page and a half essay due tomorrow. Oh come on, not like it's not an easy thing to write. Oh well.
As I am very scarce with livejournal updates lately (that will change! Promise! Or fucking not.) I just have to mention my new kitty. It's a kitten maine coon that looks like a Lynx. He has too names, whoot. The one he came with "Whisper", cause he has this tiny meow, and Bobby. He is the sweetest lap kitty in the world, and I can take him anywhere. It's awesome. Screw walking around with fucking oversized rat-dogs in your purse, I'm going to bring my huge ass (well, according to my vet he's going to be a bigger than normal cat, he's already grew double the size of his sister in a week) fluffy cat around in my tote. I hope he stays that tame, at least. I'll post pics later, when I actually get off my lazy ass to take them on a digi-camera.
ANNND I'm getting a 400 buck sewing machine for my birthday. Yay. :) Now I can get back to fashion design.
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| YATTA! |
[15 Aug 2006|09:26pm] |
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::squeel:: I FINALLY got the type of sweater I wanted! I found it today in H&M (and luckily I'd rather have it big, I can never find a size 2 in something I want there...) Ever since, I think it was a year ago, Dior came out with this knitted sweater that was black and white stripes with rips in them...I'm like "I NEED THAT." Of course, the Dior one was like 2 grand. Pft, I got mine for 30. Just need to add some large safety pins, put on heavy back eyeliner, indigo blue skinny pants, and straighten my hair, and voila!
Mmmmmmmmmarshmellow!
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| Money, Money, Money. |
[14 Aug 2006|07:08pm] |
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Money to be paid-
$500+/-: Fix dent in car + paint job.
$75: Fine for crossing through a red light in which I stopped.
$140: Pay Mom back for exploretalent.com.
$40: Pay Jen for room in OC.
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Total= 755.00
...fuck. Ok, with Safeway...they said maybe 30 hours a week, hopefully I can get more, with 7.60, 8.60 on Sundays...which gives me plus or minus 236.00 a week... I can get about enough after 4 weeks. I just hope the car won't cost that much to fix, which I doubt. I just got to replace the mirror, and the front left panel. My dealer said at most it'd be 500, but he could probably get me half as much. I just wanted to be safe with calculations. Also, hopefully I won't need to only work Fri-Sun once school starts, but I doubt I have any other choice. I could also do running jobs for Systems. :X
I'm also typing up my cover letter to send to Linda Townsend management. I want to start acting already!!! If I can get into that quickly, screw working at Safeway, no matter how much I love them guys.
Await the next exciting entry:
"School, School, School."
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| IF... |
[17 Jul 2006|12:24am] |
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...ANYONE HAS AN EBAY ACCOUNT, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I need to buy something off of it really badly, and I can't find anyone with one... ::Tears of sadness:: -(;o;)- I'll even update this journal more for you all@
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[26 Sep 2005|09:33pm] |
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Wow...this is soo cool. Ok, got my comp card shot with some amazing images. Getting the cards next Monday. Then the Barbizon competition is on the 9th, right after my b-day (the 8th). And TODAY I got this letter in from "Amatruda" or something, the leading agency in LA, and they're going to be in Baltimore the 6th. -(O-o)- So I get to meet them. I think he's going to be in town for the competition, but better to meet him up hand and personal, no? Oooo, can't wait!
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[06 Sep 2005|07:41pm] |
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I already wear one...but, I'm going to buy him a ring.
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[23 Aug 2005|11:09pm] |
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AHHHH, how are y'all? I'm good. How long has it been? A while.
Summer has been: Work, Beau, Tennis. That's it! No friends. Barely. Hung out with Huan and Vi a few times... no biggy. Tryed out for the tennis team. As well as 40 freaking good people. They're posting the list tomorrow (Damn that coach, he's only keeping 20 people.) and I bet'cha 50 green bucks that I got cut. Oh well, 's gonna motivate me to WORK HARDER!
Once school starts (gotta finish reading "The Awakening", btw) I'm gonna work before school. 5:30~7:00 am, fyi. Eep. Stop by and say hi if you want. (No discouts. -(^.~)-) Can't wait until school starts. Speaking of which, WHY THE HELL DON'T SENIORS GET LOCKERS TOO!? No fair those bastards. (Not really that it bothers me, I get to share with Beau.) BUT STILL! That deserves freshmen hell! MWAHAHA. Ahhh...I need people contact. I need it. I need school. Help me.
...Just watched Kill Bill vol.1 for the first time. It once again proves the hotness of Lucy Liu. Eesh. If it was for Beau (and well, me being overall straight...overall) I'd go for a sexy Asian myself. OH! And INTERSTING jucy news stuff:
Didja know that the bus stop right outside Glenmont has 'MS-13' and another gang, 'Blood', written all over it? Kinda scary when you're kinda sitting at that stop alone in a short tennis skirt. Oh well, and dirty lawn mowers (no offense, I love my latinos =9) come near me I'll whack them over the head with my loads o' boba tea! MWAHAHAH.
I MISS YOU ALLLL!
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[18 Jun 2005|02:38pm] |
I'll do dishes! Clean the house for all I fucking care! I JUST DON'T WANNA DO LAUNDRY! I dunno how to! Nooo, don't make me! PLEASE!
GWAAAR!
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[14 May 2005|03:17pm] |
So weird... I think I've been gradually becoming more anti-social. I opted to sleep the whole day as opposed to going to HFStival. Not only that, but usually at an event like prom, I would've enjoyed myself hardcore. I think because of recent events the past few weeks I have sort of gotten distant with people. As in everyone. (Well, except for probably four people, Mira, Shanice, Beau and Mia).
I need to stop and start having fun again! GWAR! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEE!!!!
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[11 May 2005|02:44pm] |
Yay! Fixed it! Ok, for any of you who read the last entry...keep your trap shut! For those who didn't, well, probably a certain few of you who don't know by now...will know soon. So, yea.
But good news is...everything is cool! I'm a complete idiot, but I learned my lesson. And, if Beau hopefully gets his community service hours done, he can come to Six Flags with me and Meg! Whoot! I'm sorry, that beats prom or HSFestival, I got to work prom night, anyhow.
...Now we just need to find a ride...Stoney!
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[07 May 2005|02:34pm] |
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Yay! Today was fun, kinda. Hm, I don know if it was the sleeping pills I took yesterday or what, but I was all bitchy this morning at work... Jen help lots though! I love her, dunno what Starbucks would be like without her or Ryan. Martin kept complaining about Ryan, which is really ironic cause, uh, last time I checked, Ryan does/knows more than Martin would any day.
But now I got to meet the new girl: Sloane. Let me update you on this girl, she went to Blake freshmen year, I had math with her, I'm sure any E hallway people would know her well. She's the weirdest, slowest, messed up little girl in the world. So what do I think? Oh what fun! It made my day to mess with her the whole day. Don't worry, in a friendly way, we go back. Kinda. Heh, I feel so bad that Ryan has to close with her. Tomorrow too. OH!
I DON'T HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW! Boo-yah. Why is this such a good thing? It's Mother's Day. In other words, buy-one-get-one-free. So, basically, busy as shit. Martin said I had to work 1pm-9pm. The schedule came out today, and I guess sucking up to the big guys there (Fred, Daryl, Brian) really does work, cause guess whose not working! MWAHAHAHA!
Take a wild guess how/where I'm goign to spend my mother's day. Here's a hint: the wild is in bold, and it ain't gonna be with my mama.
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[06 May 2005|11:53pm] |
I twirl a finger in my hair as I think about how much of a game life plays out to be. You win or lose, and that's that. It's funny how just after I type up my little entries at school, that last words I ever want to hear come to my ear. I swear, the only other time I ever broke down in school was when I freaked out cause I jumped Ryna my sophmore year, planning to choke her to death, when I had an adreniline rush, and I was afraid I was turning into my dad. This time, though, was a complete and utter shock to me, because I just know that my little paranoia about trusting has been stabbed repeatedly. I'm so disappointed.
But this week I promised myself and the two most important people to me right now (who I'm also fucking ripping my hair out because of, by the way) that I'll be my happy little stupid self this week. I also swore that:
1) I won't chug the Kahlua I stole in attempt to poison me again like Monday, and save it for good times later.
2) I won't skip ever, ever, ever, ever again. Sorry Huan, just my friend got really mad at me...
3) I won't ever, ever smoke. Not that I was planning to, anyhow, but now I'm definate about it. Especially Newports.
4) I will take chances. The only person I really listen to is Piper, after all. Sorry to say.
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| I still have yet to watch Resident Evil 2... |
[06 May 2005|06:40am] |
It's funny how people want it to stop, but they're only making it worse. This goes for everything in life. US and Irac, parents who blindfold their kids, only to unfold a self-fufilling prophecy.
If you hated me, why drag me into your life in the first place?
I hate selfishness. It's ironic, cause I can be one of the most selfish people on the face of this earth. This time, I won't. After I heard, I wondered if I should let out, replay what happened not so long ago, but with a new cast. No, I'll walk away. I'm too tired to care, I only have oh-so-much sanity left. Right now, I just wish I never ran away, never went to Japan. Things would be so different then, but one things I also hate, is regretting the past too much, and I've been doing that too much lately.
Hm, I try so hard to be strong, but it's funny to think of how weak I am. My last host father drilled that into my head, too, reminding me every night that I am the weakest one in that household. I don't want to run away again. I have so many dreams of just getting up and leaving. Somewhere new, to start over again. Now I know how she felt when she left, to stop caring. " Fuck the people there, and their fucking drama," but that is even more selfish than before, y'know? I just think of all the people who may feel like me right now, and I sigh. Shit is never easy, is it? Not like everyone can be happy, so why not let it just be them and not me? Cause people who aren't happy tend to hate those who are.
I wonder if reincarnation is true? If so, I wonder if I was a pirate? Or a Gypsy? Or a Arabian Knight? Or a Franc? Or a Celt? Or a Cherokee? Or a normal teen in a normal life living a normal day of teen angst?
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[02 May 2005|07:35am] |
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I swear to gods, people really, really should make a sitcom about my life. It's so much fun. It's weird, I haven't had the urge in so long. ( I've got the urge! ), but I feel like writing. Like, a book, not about my life ( cause that's stoopid ) but based offa my life. Yea. It's going to be cool.
I just hate being sucha fuck up. People claim I'm not, but it's funny, everything begins to happen when they hang out with me. Oh, I watched "House of Flying Dragons" last night, this really, really cool Chinese movie. It's actually called "Lovers", at least that's what it's called in Japan. I've been wanting to see it since I saw the preview over there, but the day I actually have time, it fucking ends! YAY! Yea, there's this random scene, where it's like the chick, Mei, ( whose really fucking hot.. ) and the dude, Jin, and it's one scene where they were suppoused to kill each other, but didn't, and they're all staring at each other.... AND THEN HAVE ROUGH, ANIMALISTIC SEX ON THE GROUND! It's so cool. Hehe, but it's actually a really sad movie, not really good watching it before bed. 1 am in the morning. Before school. The theme song I love, though...
" There's a beauty from the East,
whose glance could destroy a warrior,
whose smile could destroy an army,
whose face could destroy an empire,
there is no land that has been treasured
as much as this dangerous beauty. "
Ok, so, I didn't get it word-to-word, but that's the main idea...
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[27 Apr 2005|10:39pm] |
Hehe, I'm going to prom with a freshmen. That's amusing...
I don't think we're going to go out, though. We both can't commit, and are too afraid that if we do go out, and well, it doesn't work out, that our friendship is fucked over. But just in the past few fucking days, I don't think I've ever opened up so much to a fucking guy like that...it's kind of scary. It's really bad, I don't want to get attached. I'm so afraid that the minute I finally give in and be happy for once, that something is going to fuck it over. I've learned from so many mistakes in the past.
Basically what I've learned, is that to advoid having the feeling of something gained lost, don't gain it. The only reason that you have become sad is because you have experienced the happiness that you didn't have before, and when it is taken away, and you are left as of, then you miss what you lost, even though you are at equal gain as before.
Haaa, irony. Just as I'm writing this, too, fate fucking comes out to slap me in the face once again. Fucking A.
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| Ooo, updating at school. In your face blockades! |
[26 Apr 2005|07:50am] |
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Ok, so, now people are saying the oppisite. What the fuck?
Yea, I should really stop depending on other people to tell me what to do. In that way, I'm not that independent, now, am I? In the end I rarely ever do what people tell me to, anyhow, and go on with my selfish deeds. I'm such an ass. Kiss it!
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[24 Apr 2005|04:41pm] |
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Yea, I think I'm going to listen to people this time. -(^ ^)-
Might not be at school tomorrow, depends on my work schedule, and how I feel. Oh, and I got home from the most boring trip to Virginia, and I found my Guilty Gear XX and Suikoden 3 games, and my old cell phone that I left somewhere. Wow... It's so weird.
Ciao!
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